“in friendship or in love…” Kahlil Gibran

Sounds basic, doesn’t it?

But I still remember the time when several of my relationships would not be based on “freedom to be” but rather “expectations to do”.
Even if these friendships started with the excitement of the encounter, they soon would develop in dynamics of Co-dependency, of unmet needs and consequently disappointment.
If it wasn’t me it was them.
And we would reach the concluding stage of “this is not as good as before”, “it is not working” or, more self-conscious “I’m not good at relationships” and the unavoidable “I need freedom”.

It was not too difficult to shift my approach. At least theoretically. It took me the ‘failure’ of my longest romantic relationship to be so shocked of how interactions change in the long term to start asking the right questions.

Why does the relationship change?
Why do we feel trapped?
Why am I not saying all I feel?
How can I stay true to myself?
How can I see the other in their totality?

The yearning of something deeper, truer, and more loving calls for a different attitude in regards to someone else’s needs and, with more vulnerability, to our own needs.

I can’t swear for my spotless interactions, where I am free from the attachment of having the other in my life, in a particular way.
But I have witnessed the awe that comes whenever I see the truth in the other. And the love I feel when the other sees my real self. How blissful are those moments when I feel the other is free and in full responsibility in their interaction with me.
Short instances of unconditional love.
Which inspire me to identify when I’m hanging on to a version of a relationship which may not exist anymore.

Nowadays I aim at deep friendships in freedom and love. Ironically, I find myself committed to others more strongly, more dedicated, more connected. The dance between fear of losing them and loving more deeply rips my conditioning and I experience the most challenging interaction of all:
– The true relationship in deep love and in mysterious freedom with myself.